In Memory of PeePaw

A week ago I lost a very important person. My PeePaw died. It was an unexpected death and while anytime you lose someone that you love is hard, this was excruciating. PeePaw had cancer and I am pretty sure it was about to get worse. His cancer was in the bones, but I truly think that we were about to get the news that it had actually turned into bone cancer. PeePaw was in a lot of pain and it hurt me to think of what he was going through and what he was going to have to go through in the next few weeks, months, and years. I spent many nights praying that God would take away his pain. I know the miracles that God can perform and so I was hoping for one of those.

A few months ago, he had surgery and wasn’t doing so well. I wanted to leave then and go see him. I knew how important it was to go see him. I didn’t get to. I let everything else in my life prevent me from going to see him. Work, my family obligations, and money stood in my way of doing want I really needed and wanted to do.

On Saturday, I got a call that he had fallen and was being Careflighted to the hospital. I said a prayer but I really didn’t think that it would be fatal. I was worried, but really thought that he would be okay. So, I went to Jax’s soccer game and held my phone waiting as patiently as possible for the call from my mom telling me that everything was alright. I didn’t hear from my mom until I pulled into my driveway. That was when my world stopped spinning. I knew it wasn’t good because she first asked me where I was and then if Brock was home. I dropped the phone and started crying hysterically.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to get to see him again. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I didn’t even get to say good bye.

The next week was a blur. Beau and I drove to Illinois for the funeral. I had so many emotions. Part of me wanted to be nowhere but in Illinois with my grandma but the other half of me didn’t want to face reality. If I didn’t go, then I could pretend that he wasn’t dead and that I just hadn’t seen him in awhile. The worst part of it all was the pain of knowing that I would never get to see him again. We arrived at their house at about 1:30 in the morning. I could not go in. I looked at the house and saw my grandfather. Growing up, their house was one of my favorite places to be. I LOVED going to Savannah to see them. Going in their house, I felt him everywhere. His shoes were still by the door, his sunglasses were still on the end table. I wasn’t even able to go upstairs in the house for some reason. I couldn’t go in the basement. Being there was good but it was hard at the same time…really hard to explain. The visitation was hard because it was so long and I really wanted to help my grandma and my aunt as I knew that they were hurting most. So in between my breakdowns, I was trying to help them. Every time my grandma broke down, tears streamed down my eyes. I hated hearing my grandma tell everyone that she tried to save him. She was an amazing wife to him and his death was in no way her fault and there was nothing that she could or should have done differently. I started to wonder if this was God’s way of answering my prayer for his pain to end. I couldn’t stand the thought of that. I knew that his early death saved him from a lot of pain and people told me that over and over but it didn’t take the desire to have him sitting next to me.

My biggest regret is that I don’t think I ever told him what he meant to me. I know that he knew that I loved him, but I don’t think he knew how much. Everyone loves their grandparents and that is special, but like one of my friends said to me, “Not everyone has a PeePaw”. As a kid, I would sit in his lap and we would tell each other elaborate, crazy stories. We would each add to the other’s story to make it more outrageous. I LOVED donuts and he knew that. Every time he would come to visit, he would take me for donuts. I didn’t have to ask, he just knew that was what we did together. He always called me “Schauna Marie” or “Schauna Baby”….what I would do to hear him say that to me just one more time. PeePaw liked to take naps. He always slept on his back with his hands on his stomach. When I would walk by, he would open one eye and kind of smirk, like he was tricking everyone into thinking that he was asleep. He had a lot of health problems and was diabetic so grandma had to help control his diet and such. While she was telling him something, he would always look at me and make this face, I can’t describe it, but I can see it in my head. I loved the way he loved my grandma. The preacher at the funeral said that my grandpa didn’t walk, he shuffled, which is so true. I loved to watch him move. He just made me laugh.

God is every important to me and it is very important for me to know that PeePaw is playing golf in heaven, eating donuts and salami and all the other things that he had to be careful of here on Earth. He was very active in his church and he believed. One of the songs that they played at his funeral was “He Walks With Me” and they said that was one of his favorite songs. Since then, the song just keeps playing in my head, I go to bed hearing it and wake up hearing it. I can’t help but think that it is God’s way of telling me that He is walking and talking with PeePaw. This makes my heart smile because I will get to see him again.

All four of my kids bare names that belong to people that are very important to me and Brock. None of that is by accident. Connor Ellis is named after Brock’s PawPaw. He is another amazing man that has no idea how much he means to us. Jaxson Brock is named after my dad and my husband. Again two very important people in my life. Kaden Samuel is of course named after my PeePaw and is often called Samuel. It was very important to me to have a child named after one of my all time favorite people. Halle is named Marie after me and my grandmother, but mostly my grandmother. She is an amazing woman and if Halle is half the wonderful woman my grandmother is, she will be blessed.

I love you PeePaw and I wish that I could tell you that in person. I wish that I could hug you and tell you some crazy story like we did 20-25 years ago. I wish that we could go get donuts or just sit and chat. I would settle for just looking into your eyes and seeing your wonderful smile one more time. I know that isn’t going to happen, but at least I know that when my time is up, I will get to see you again.