Summer!!!!!

Okay, so we all know how horrible I am at keeping my blog updated. I do a pretty good job during the summer, but once school starts, it is impossible. But, it is summer again, so I will give it a try.

It makes me so sad to think that we are almost a month into summer. We have been so busy and have not had any rest time. The first week of the summer I was at a math training. I hated being away from my kids the first week of summer, but it was something I had to do!

We planned on going to Gulf Shores this summer, but with the oil spill, we didn't want to chance driving all that way and then not being able to get in the ocean. So, we scrapped that deal and at the last minute booked a trip to Galveston. We had so much fun! Some friends went with us, which made it even better. The Whitakers have 5 kids and I thought that we were going to have a tough time having 4 adults and 9 kids, but it was no problem at all!!! All of the kids were so well behaved and got along so well. We had such a good time, Here is a shot of the 5 oldest.


I want to go back now!!! We didn't do a thing but play at the beach and in the pool at the hotel.












Connor went straight out into the waves and had a blast the whole time. We doesn't fear the ocean at all. Jaxson was the same way for the most part, but at times he did get scared and decide to move closer to the shore. Kaden wasn't a big fan of the beach. At best, he sat in the sand where the waves crashed in, but most of his time was spent playing in the back of the Yukon.


Halle wasn't a big fan of the beach either and spent most of her time in her daddy's arms or my arms...but that was okay too!!!

I always wonder when we go on vacation why we don't just stay in a hotel in Royse City because all they really want to do is play in the room and swim at the pool!!!


This week has been busy because is doing two different camps. He is going to baseball camp from 8-11 in the mornings and Twilight Camp from 5-9 in the evenings. He is having a blast but he is very tired. Monday he had a dental appointment and I had a doctor's appointment in between camps and today we are going swimming at a friend's house in between. We are keeping that boy busy!

After this week, the summer shouldn't be so busy. We don't have anything planned except VBS at the end of July.

In Memory of PeePaw

A week ago I lost a very important person. My PeePaw died. It was an unexpected death and while anytime you lose someone that you love is hard, this was excruciating. PeePaw had cancer and I am pretty sure it was about to get worse. His cancer was in the bones, but I truly think that we were about to get the news that it had actually turned into bone cancer. PeePaw was in a lot of pain and it hurt me to think of what he was going through and what he was going to have to go through in the next few weeks, months, and years. I spent many nights praying that God would take away his pain. I know the miracles that God can perform and so I was hoping for one of those.

A few months ago, he had surgery and wasn’t doing so well. I wanted to leave then and go see him. I knew how important it was to go see him. I didn’t get to. I let everything else in my life prevent me from going to see him. Work, my family obligations, and money stood in my way of doing want I really needed and wanted to do.

On Saturday, I got a call that he had fallen and was being Careflighted to the hospital. I said a prayer but I really didn’t think that it would be fatal. I was worried, but really thought that he would be okay. So, I went to Jax’s soccer game and held my phone waiting as patiently as possible for the call from my mom telling me that everything was alright. I didn’t hear from my mom until I pulled into my driveway. That was when my world stopped spinning. I knew it wasn’t good because she first asked me where I was and then if Brock was home. I dropped the phone and started crying hysterically.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to get to see him again. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I didn’t even get to say good bye.

The next week was a blur. Beau and I drove to Illinois for the funeral. I had so many emotions. Part of me wanted to be nowhere but in Illinois with my grandma but the other half of me didn’t want to face reality. If I didn’t go, then I could pretend that he wasn’t dead and that I just hadn’t seen him in awhile. The worst part of it all was the pain of knowing that I would never get to see him again. We arrived at their house at about 1:30 in the morning. I could not go in. I looked at the house and saw my grandfather. Growing up, their house was one of my favorite places to be. I LOVED going to Savannah to see them. Going in their house, I felt him everywhere. His shoes were still by the door, his sunglasses were still on the end table. I wasn’t even able to go upstairs in the house for some reason. I couldn’t go in the basement. Being there was good but it was hard at the same time…really hard to explain. The visitation was hard because it was so long and I really wanted to help my grandma and my aunt as I knew that they were hurting most. So in between my breakdowns, I was trying to help them. Every time my grandma broke down, tears streamed down my eyes. I hated hearing my grandma tell everyone that she tried to save him. She was an amazing wife to him and his death was in no way her fault and there was nothing that she could or should have done differently. I started to wonder if this was God’s way of answering my prayer for his pain to end. I couldn’t stand the thought of that. I knew that his early death saved him from a lot of pain and people told me that over and over but it didn’t take the desire to have him sitting next to me.

My biggest regret is that I don’t think I ever told him what he meant to me. I know that he knew that I loved him, but I don’t think he knew how much. Everyone loves their grandparents and that is special, but like one of my friends said to me, “Not everyone has a PeePaw”. As a kid, I would sit in his lap and we would tell each other elaborate, crazy stories. We would each add to the other’s story to make it more outrageous. I LOVED donuts and he knew that. Every time he would come to visit, he would take me for donuts. I didn’t have to ask, he just knew that was what we did together. He always called me “Schauna Marie” or “Schauna Baby”….what I would do to hear him say that to me just one more time. PeePaw liked to take naps. He always slept on his back with his hands on his stomach. When I would walk by, he would open one eye and kind of smirk, like he was tricking everyone into thinking that he was asleep. He had a lot of health problems and was diabetic so grandma had to help control his diet and such. While she was telling him something, he would always look at me and make this face, I can’t describe it, but I can see it in my head. I loved the way he loved my grandma. The preacher at the funeral said that my grandpa didn’t walk, he shuffled, which is so true. I loved to watch him move. He just made me laugh.

God is every important to me and it is very important for me to know that PeePaw is playing golf in heaven, eating donuts and salami and all the other things that he had to be careful of here on Earth. He was very active in his church and he believed. One of the songs that they played at his funeral was “He Walks With Me” and they said that was one of his favorite songs. Since then, the song just keeps playing in my head, I go to bed hearing it and wake up hearing it. I can’t help but think that it is God’s way of telling me that He is walking and talking with PeePaw. This makes my heart smile because I will get to see him again.

All four of my kids bare names that belong to people that are very important to me and Brock. None of that is by accident. Connor Ellis is named after Brock’s PawPaw. He is another amazing man that has no idea how much he means to us. Jaxson Brock is named after my dad and my husband. Again two very important people in my life. Kaden Samuel is of course named after my PeePaw and is often called Samuel. It was very important to me to have a child named after one of my all time favorite people. Halle is named Marie after me and my grandmother, but mostly my grandmother. She is an amazing woman and if Halle is half the wonderful woman my grandmother is, she will be blessed.

I love you PeePaw and I wish that I could tell you that in person. I wish that I could hug you and tell you some crazy story like we did 20-25 years ago. I wish that we could go get donuts or just sit and chat. I would settle for just looking into your eyes and seeing your wonderful smile one more time. I know that isn’t going to happen, but at least I know that when my time is up, I will get to see you again.

Today, on the anniversary of Halle’s birth, I reflect on my experience.

At the end of July of last year, I found out that I was pregnant. At the time, it was not good news. I had three wonderful, healthy boys and I thought that my family was complete. I never wanted a big family and neither did Brock. I was just getting my feet under me after having Kaden. Kaden had just turned a year old! It is not easy having 3 growing boys, a house and husband to take care of and be a full time teacher. I wanted to be the best wife, mother, and teacher possible and I didn’t think that I was doing a great job at any of them as I tried to juggle all of them. Another child was not in the plans. Brock had a saying that I adopted as well. When it comes to children “it is quality, not quantity”. The more kids you have, the less time you have to devote to each child. We already felt like we were giving all we had. How would we have enough, time, energy, and money to take care of all four kids? I was scared, no I was terrified. Amazingly, Brock handled the news much easier than I did and took on the roll of reassuring me and trying to make sure that I was okay.

Most people know that I always dreamed of having a little girl. So each time I got pregnant and found out it was a boy, I knew that I would try one more time for a girl. But after Kaden, I thought I was done!!! I loved each one of my boys more than you know. I just knew that I would miss out on some things that you can only do with your daughter. So, I had decided that this baby was a boy and I was perfectly okay with it. So much so that when the technician told me that it was a girl, I didn’t believe it. I honestly thought that when I had the baby that they would be apologizing for getting the sex wrong and tell me that I was the new momma to 4 beautiful boys.

I was honestly terrified throughout my whole pregnancy. How are we going to be able to afford childcare for all of these kids? Groceries? Fun stuff? How will I have the time to devote to what they need? Will Brock and I have any time together? What about time for myself? I had 3 healthy children, how would I be so lucky to get another healthy child? 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that God will not give me more than I can handle. I heard that over and over and I have faith, but I didn’t know how I would be able to handle it.

I had the hardest time naming her because I just didn’t think that it was true. Maybe if I didn’t name her, I wasn’t really pregnant. If I named her and then she came out a boy, it would feel like I lost my daughter. I was just so scared. I knew that her middle name was going to be Marie. Marie is my middle name and my grandmother’s name. I couldn’t think of a better person to her after. I went through a million names because this precious girl who I had waited so long for needed a perfect name. There is no perfect name, but we chose Halle. It was different and there weren’t too many people named Halle.

On March 23rd, 2009, my angel was born. I couldn’t believe that she was actually a girl and she was perfect. She was beautiful from the first moment I saw her. Somehow the minute I saw her, all of my fears went away and I thanked God for his blessing.

Halle Bear, as Brock and I affectionately call her, is the best little girl ever! We honestly could not ask for a better daughter. She is happy, content, beautiful, and ours. She never cries, smiles all the time and is just so fun. There is not a time since she has been here that I have questioned God’s blessing and gift. The boys are wonderful with her and love her to pieces.

Our family is complete and wonderful. I am disappointed in myself for questioning God’s plan for me and my family. He definitely knew what he was doing. I don’t know what I would do without Miss Halle. I can’t wait to see what she grows up to be. I am excited to see how she interacts with the boys as she grows up. She is going to be one tough little girl, but will the boys be more gentle with her because she is a girl? Who will she be closest with? Will the boys interrogate her boyfriends? Which boy will be the most protective of her?

There are so many things that I look forward to do with Halle as well. I can’t wait to have conversations about her clothes and jewelry. I can’t wait to play dolls and barbies. I can’t wait to go to girl movies. I can’t wait to go shopping together or just go out for lunch and talk girl talk. I can’t wait to hear about the boy that makes her heart skip a beat. I can’t wait to go shopping for her wedding dress. I can’t wait to watch her bring her child into the world (if she let’s me). I can’t wait to change into her friend plus mother as she becomes an adult. I can’t wait for her to call me for advice.

While there are so many things that I am excited and anxious about in the future, I am happy to watch her toddle around the house, play with her brothers, lay on Simba’s belly, and just be one. I love to hold her and give her a bottle before she lays down to go to sleep at night and I love to walk into her room and see that big smile on her face. I love to take millions of pictures of her and I love to watch her brothers give her kisses. I love to see her grow and change each day.

I am blessed beyond measure. I give God all the glory. I would not have the AMAZING family that I have without Him. Happy Birthday Halle Bear, I love you more than you will ever know!