What's with me???

I have been so emotional the last few days.

I know that we have to leave the house at least every other day during the summer for all of us to keep our sanity. Well, I didn't do that this week. We went swimming at mom's on Tuesday but stayed home all day Wednesday and Thursday. It was all fine until about 4:00 on Thursday. All the sudden everything got to me. I am trying to potty train Jaxson and he didn't go in the toilet at all Thursday so I had several messes to clean up. Kaden doesn't want me to move and any time that I move from one room to another, I am to pick him up and take him with me. I have been working REALLY hard to really clean my house and it looks like I haven't done a thing all week. I had my kitchen and living room completely clean by 4 on Wednesday and by 8 it was destroyed!!! Jax and Connor were arguing and competing over everything...So I was just a little frustrated or overwhelmed or something!! So, by the time Brock got home and I got everyone fed, I needed a break. So, I went to my room to "take a break". Of course I could hear Kaden crying for momma and you can't really relax when you hear your sweet baby crying your name, so I came back out. After a little while I calmed down and everything was okay. I feel so bad when I get like this. I love these boys so much and I am so thankful that I have a job where I can spend a couple of months at home with them. Am I the only one who goes through this? Do stay-at-home moms go through this? I just feel bad.

Anyways, so I go to bed at like midnight and can not sleep. My mind is going a 100 miles an hour as usual so I can't calm down enough to go to sleep. Kaden will be 1 in about two weeks! I am so sad. Ever since Kaden was born I've had issues. I don't want any more kids, but I can't come to terms with the fact that I won't have any more. I had a hard time putting my maternity clothes away. Each diaper size increase, I cry. I know I need to start transitioning him from a bottle to a cup. When I do this, I will never have another baby in my house. I will never have another 1st birthday to plan. I will never experience bringing my new baby home to his family. The list goes on and on. I know, I know everyone probably goes through this, but when you are the one going through it, you feel very alone.

A couple of days ago I was going through Connor's scrapbooks and I was so sad. I don't really remember him as a baby. I guess I expected to be able to close my eyes and still feel him in my arms...I can't. He is almost 7...7. When did that happen? Where was I? I fear him being 16 and me not being able to remember any of their baby years. I fear Kaden going off to college and feeling empty. I fear that I am not doing the right things to bring them up to be good, honest, happy, sincere, Christian men. What do I know about raising a man, I'm not one. The only thing that I am sure about is that if I pray enough and look to God, he will not steer my in the wrong direction.

So that thought brought me to our house for some reason. When I think about moving into our house, I see a picture that I took of Connor when we moved in, playing in the living room. He was about six months old. So we have been in this house for about 6 1/2 years and so much has happened. I have gone back to college and graduated. I have had 2 sweet babies. We moved into a 4 bedroom house and only used 2...now our house is full and I am having to find places to put stuff. When did all of that happen?

As you can imagine, I was emotional thinking of all of these things. Then today I was watching some of my DVRed shows. I was watching one of my favorites "Army Wives" and I just cried and cried. Kaden just kept looking at me, of course, I would smile at him and do something to make him laugh.

So what is wrong with me? What brings these things on? Why do I worry so much? Why can't I just me the perfect mom, wife, and teacher that I want to be? I will just have to keep trying every day.